Talking with Family About Your Funeral Wishes
Most families find this conversation easier to start than they expected. A few plain questions, asked before anyone needs the answers, can spare the people you love from guessing later.
Pick a calm moment, start with one question, and write down what you agree on. It doesn’t have to be one big talk. Several short ones work fine.
Why talking ahead helps
After a death, families make many decisions in a few days. Knowing your funeral wishes means fewer guesses, fewer disagreements, and more time for each other. It also tells the person who will make the arrangements that they’re doing what you wanted.
How to start
Some openers that work:
- “I’ve been getting some paperwork in order, and I want you to know where things are.”
- “After Grandma’s funeral, I realized I’ve never told you what I’d want.”
- “Can I ask what you’d want? And then I’ll tell you mine.”
- “This isn’t about anything being wrong. I just don’t want you to have to guess.”
Holidays, a family member’s funeral, or signing a will can be natural openings. So can a quiet drive.
What to talk about
- Burial, cremation, or another option
- What kind of service, if any
- A viewing, or not
- Where you’d rest
- Faith or cultural traditions
- Personal details: music, readings, who speaks
- A funeral home or cemetery you prefer
- Where your papers are
For a fuller list, see planning your funeral wishes.
You don’t have to decide everything
If one topic is hard, leave it and come back. “I want to be cremated, and I haven’t decided about the rest” is a useful answer. Wishes can change, too. If yours do, tell people again.
When family members disagree
People grieve and believe differently, and it’s common for relatives to want different things. A few things help:
- Go back to what the person said or wrote. Written wishes carry more weight in a family conversation than memory.
- Separate what the person wanted from what each relative wants.
- If the disagreement is about who has the legal right to decide, that’s a legal question. Utah law sets an order for who controls a person’s remains, starting with anyone they named in writing (Utah Code 58-9-602). An attorney can explain how it applies.
Write down what you agree on
A simple funeral wishes form, even a single dated page, keeps the conversation from being forgotten. Keep it with your other papers and tell someone where it is. See important papers to organize.
“If you had to make these decisions for me, would you know what I would want?”
Conversation checklist
- Choose who to talk with first
- Share the big decisions: burial or cremation, service, resting place
- Share the details that matter to you
- Say who you want to make decisions
- Tell them where your papers are
- Write it down and date it
Ready to see how these choices apply to your situation?
Your Wayfinder Plan can help organize the options you’re considering and give you a clearer picture of what to ask and compare.
Build My Wayfinder Plan- Telling family about your plans: FTC, Planning Your Own Funeral.
- Right to control disposition: Utah Code 58-9-602.
This page is general information, not legal advice.